celine dion
:: a new day has come ::
I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you
Hush now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy
Do you blog when you are down? ... I do, but not '
about' being down.
Having suffered from serious depression since I was 12 I tend to not really talk about how I am feeling mood wise. Those that live with me can not miss it though, but to the outside world I don't really like to talk about it. 'fine' & 'ok' are given when asked how I am, or if asked while I'm online I usually manage to avoid the question and ask about them.
Some people like to talk about how they feel all the time, which is probably very healthy and for the little day to day things I probably do too ... but with depression that is always there, just with different degrees of bearable-ness, I prefer to try and ignore it ... no-one can do anything or say anything to make it better so avoidance often works ... but not always ... Sometime it all gets too much ...
... Depression is a funny thing isn't it ... unless you have suffered
with it, it's hard to understand the total blackness and sick feeling
when it descends ... It's also not really something I have seen many
people blog about. Is that because there is a part of us that feels
ashamed for feeling depressed? Ashamed that are lives are not perfect or
how we want them to be? or do we see depression as a weakness? And yet when I look at my friends and family, I would say that probably over half have suffered with it at one time or another.
I not writing this to say 'poor me, I am having a bad day' ....... more that I just realised that no-one blogs about it ... which I haven't either ....................
anyway on a totally different note, I have chopped of 5 inches off the
bottom of my hair ... it still comes down to my waist, but it needed it
...
I kind of feel all it needs is some goggly eyes and it could be a little creature ... or maybe some glasses .......... maybe I could sell it as a beard! haha
There are things I want to talk about on my blog, things I want to share ... I read other people blog and how open and honest they are with their lives and feelings ... and I want my blog to be like that ... I am like that with my family & some close friends but I guess I put an 'everything is ok face' on to the world and that has spread to my blogging too ... I want this blog to be a lovely happy place and so blogging about how hard life can sometimes be (and we all know it can be) seems to not come naturally to me. I feel like I am waiting for a more interesting life to start before I can truly blog about it ... a life that involves a man ... a wedding (optional!) ... a home ... a pregnancy and a baby or 6. My life is waiting for that ... that may sound sad to you, but thats all I have ever wanted ... a home filled with kids and crafts, fun and hugs, pets and growing veg ... a house in a wood where my children can grow and live and love and cry and become who they will be. But that hasn't happened ...... yet .... I am still holding out for some/all/part of that dream to happen in what ever form it chooses to take.
I have got on with life and traveled a bit, had my own business, which I loved for 10 years, made lots of lovely friends and cherished my wonderful family .... but the big gaping hole in my life has never diminished or changed. It's just there all the time ... you try and ignore it or fill it, but its not going anywhere. We all have sadness's, pain and hardships in life ... its part of the paths we are on ... some are huge and long, some are physical and some emotional ... some we can bear and some we can't. I actually don't think I know many people who haven't had something to bear in their lives. This just happens to be my one ... to someone else it may not seem much, but to me its in the core of who I am and who I always have been.
I am blessed in many ways, I have a wonderful family, in a country that is not being torn apart by war or natural disasters ... and I really do count my blessings. I am also a great believer in being positive ... maybe thats why I don't blog about my life and true feeling ... because apart from nothing much interesting happening, I don't want to sound like I am moaning ... but I feel like now is the time to be honest ... this is me ... these are my dreams ... these are my hopes ... this is my pain ... this is my blog and I am praying that one day I will be sharing with you the joy of motherhood and the ups and downs of having MY OWN family.
P.S. not sure why I wrote this post 'now' ... at 12.30 am when I should be packing to go and stay with one of my brothers tomorrow morning, or 'why' even ... I have cried most of my way through writing it and am still umming and ahhing over whether to press publish or not .................
Peace .... felt peaceful all day even when all the odds are against me! I I have felt like I am on the edge ... my life could go either way .. but I
have spent the day trusting God ... its the only place that I get peace.
Its not easy ... but its the only way I know.
